Throwing in the towel/Giving up/Choosing my battle…whatever you want to call it

I made a decision for myself a couple weeks ago.  I hate the fact that I am giving up but it is such a relief.  I am giving up trying to nurse.  Zach has maybe nursed 10 times since the day he was born, half of those times were only for a few min before he realized what was happening and would scream again.  I would say he has only truly nursed (correct latch, emptied the breast, felt satisfied after) 2 times total!  After his one month appointment we met with another lactation consultant, I forced Zach on the breast for the next week.  During that time I continued to pump (to have an emergency bottle for when things went pear shaped, and so that I could lure him onto the breast).  Since I didn’t empty the breasts when I pumped (I wanted them to have enough any time he wanted to eat) and he still refused, my milk supply went way down.  I spent the next few days pumping every hour during the day and every 3 hours at night (even if he didn’t wake up) just to get my supply back up, I drank mother’s milk tea, hoppy beer and lots of water, I made myself sleep between pumps, and started taking Fenugreek tablets (a herbal supplement).  While I tried to get mu supply back up I stopped trying to nurse.  I figured the important thing was to make the amount of milk he needs each day if not more (to prepare for growth spurts). 
…ANYWAY a couple weeks ago I gave myself 2 weeks of trying to get Z to nurse before I would embrace the pump and give up.  Adam supported me by saying once it gets to be frustrating for you then we need to stop.  I have been surprisingly calm and patient (defiantly a little gift from the lord since those are not typical characteristics of me with a long term problem like this).
Today I am officially giving up.  It brings up a ton of emotions, sadness (since I have totally given up hope), relief (I no longer will make my son scream bloody murder when he is perfectly happy eating any other way), failure (how could I not do something that is supposed to be natural, people are also very critical about feeding babies…clearly the people a la leche league didn’t have children who refused nursing from day 1, it made me feel horriable when people said that Z had nipple confusion because I gave him the bottle, it wasn’t nipple confusion because he refused to feed long before I started the bottle or giving him a pacifier), success (I made it this long, my lactation consultants, yes I have 2, the pediatrician, my mother, my friends, my husband etc…have all encouraged me, and have stated how difficult it must be…I love that people like to fill me up rather than give advice).
Up until now Z has maybe nursed 10 times total, most of those being a couple min before he realized what was going on and began to scream.  Out of those 10 times only once has he emptied a breast, felt satisfied afterward and latched correctly. 
In the past week he decided he didn’t mind nursing from the right breast (wouldn’t even take the left with a football hold).  Still it was touch and go…mostly refusing.  Two months may not seem like a long enough time to try something before giving up but imagine at least 10 times per day of trying since the day he was born…minus the evening feeds so like 8 times per day (I was not about to wake up the baby by making him scream in the middle of the night).  Since March 27 (we didn’t try too hard the first day of his life).  That is almost 500 times…and I think that is acceptable. 
So, thank you to all you people who I e-mail to ask for advice or just to vent, thank you for encouraging me!
The doctors and lactation consultants told me that nursing wasn’t something I could make happen, I needed Z to do most of the work and be ready.  Well Z made the decision from day one and stuck to it no matter what (hmmmm kinda sounds like something I would do).  So here I am choosing to not fight this battle.
I am now happy to be a full time pumping mother…some positives about pumping:
1)     Much faster than nursing
2)     I can pump and go without having to discreetly nurse in public
3)     I have a manual pump with can go with me on day trips so I can pump in the bathroom and feed my baby fresh milk
4)     Adam can do the 6:00 am feed before he gets ready for work, giving me a couple hours of shut eye and him a chance to cuddle with Z before heading off to work. 
5)     I can pump extra on days I am home all day and I can skip a pump on days when I am out…if I am usually pumping every couple hours but skip one I am usually able to pump double the next time.
6)     If I need more milk I can add an extra pumping session to the evenings and in a couple days my supply is higher. 
7)     He eats quickly so my evening feeds last about 30 min, (changing the diaper, feeding, putting him down, pumping, going back to bed)