I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I know I am only 20 weeks pregnant and since it's my second child I should know exactly what to expect as far as breast feeding goes. I get very aggravated at people that make bottle feeding mommies feel guilty. I was so upset when I heard that NY was making a law that would lock formula up with the narcotics and would require moms who wanted to use formula to sit through a talk about how breast is best. I was heartbroken when a good friend vented over text about her experience (or non experience) breast feeding...or should I say pumping milk for her newborn.
First of all no one would argue that formula is BETTER than the milk God gave you. No one would rather pay $35 a container for formula at least twice a week, clean bottles, have one (or 3...water, clean bottle, formula) extra thing to remember to pack in the diaper bag, and most of all wonder if people are judging you when you mix the formula out in public.
My experience with breast feeding Zack was non existent. He was a very easy going baby, he just had a few very strong opinions on several things (I can't imagine where he gets that from). He hardly ever cried unless he was hungry or if he just woke up. Meanwhile at each attempt to breast feed he would turn red and scream bloody murder. He was small but it wasn't a suck or latch issue...he was able to nurse a couple times but would immediately spit up whatever he ate because he was so distraught. The only thing that would sooth him was a bottle. It wasn't nipple confusion because I waited almost 3 weeks to introduce the bottle. We tried syringe feeding, but that became impracticle after a few days when his appetite increased from 4ml a feeding to 20. We tried tube feeding. Basically we put our knees up propped him up inserted one end of a tube in a cup with whatever I could pump and one end in his mouth with our pinky. Imagine doing this at the pediatricians office or the US Passport agency! We had a lactation consultant visit twice at the hospital, 3 times the first week home and went to a different one when Zack was 2 months old as a last attempt to nurse.
Once we started the bottle Adam, Zack and I were much happier...but we didnt give up our nursing attempts. I tried when he was tired thinking he would be too tired to care. I tried 30 min after giving him a bottle (because honestly this kid would eat all day long) thinking he was fed and happy maybe he will be less angry with me. Adam and I tried the old switcharoo...I would hold him, Adam would hold the bottle and we would try to switch him to the breast. I tried every position, we tried attacking the situation two vs one (you would think that the two fully grown adults would be able to take on an underweight newborn). And so on an do forth. In the end our lactation consultants said the same thing...it's all on Zack now...there is nothing you can do to make him nurse...he has to do it on his own. I mean really...newborns ate supposed to eat sleep and poop and Zack really only enjoyed the poops.
A week before his two mont appoinent I felt the pressure...I didn't want to go tell Dr. Chan that we still aren't nursing. I felt like I had failed, Adam hated watching Zack suffer and well Zack just wanted the bottle. Adam all through the struggle supported me,. In fact I was pretty calm throughout the whole thing (considering), it's the boys who freaked out. I sat on the couch after thinking "ok I have a week to get this done" when I realized that I wasn't doing my job as a mom. I wasn't doing what was best for my family. Why should I make my infant so upset when I could give him a bottle, why should I make my husband suffer watching and knowing that he couldn't do anything to make it better and why should I feel like breast milk isn't as good from a bottle. I decided to embrace the pump and do what was best for my family.
Pumping wasn't easy...I would have to spend Zack's entire nap time pumping, and if he ate more than he napped hi had to listen to him cry while I pumped. I had to plan my day around pumping every 2 hours at least (which sometimes meant pumping in the bathroom stall at a mall or restaurant...or covered in a blanket on the airplane. We did supplement with formula (starting day 1 at the hospital). But if I missed a pump I had to power pump the next day. Power pumping meant pumping every hour and for a couple if those hours pumping every 5 min even if you weren't getting milk.
The main differences between pumping and nursing is a machine won't get as much as a baby can get and because your supply is based on emotions and the emotional attachment you have with your pump is not the same as you have with your baby. I took fenugreek (which helped but not a lot) and a prescription (which helped a lot but not enough to cut formula out) plus several other remedies the Internet suggested.
After we moved (across the world with a 12 hour time difference) my milk supply was cut in half. I decided that our lifestyle here would not allow me to pump every 2 hours and keep an active baby happy and cut pumping down to twice a day...whatever I pumped I used and whatever else would be formula. Then we went to my parents house for a weekend and put Zack in the nursery at church...the nursery gave my milk to another baby. I felt totally defeated. That milk was supposed to last for lunch after church and I didn't have back up formula. I couldn't get a break. I realized that pumping wasn't in the cards for me and wasn't something I wanted to do on our trip to the mountains the next weekend and our trip to my cousins wedding the weekend after that. I mean washing pump parts in the kitchen sink at the wedding after party wasn't my idea of a good time.
I felt like I lost a part of myself when I put the pump away. I felt like I was forgetting something every time I left the house. I felt guilty for a little while but I got over it and even though I hated spending the money on formula and hated washing bottles it was much better than the heartache of trying to nurse and the disappointment at my depleting milk supply as I pumped.
In the end...I choose not to judge a person based on how they feed their children. Even though the amazing amount of guilt I feel about how much TV my child watches, that he doesn't eat all organic foods, that sometimes dinner might be cereal and goldfish (at least I choose healthy cereals), or that I'm not teaching him enough or keeping our home clean enough...etc (you know the list); I have decided to not feel guilty that I fed my baby formula.
