I used to be excited about these days now I am anxious...

Today I met with the doctor for my regular weekly appointment.  I am sure it’s no secret that I wished that this appointment wouldn’t happen but here we are.  I have had a few emotional break downs in the past few days because I really honestly don’t think my body can handle another week of being pregnant.  I basically haven’t slept in a month, I have had all the signs of labor for 2 weeks (including real contractions that are regular and then stop after a few hours), and my body is in so much pain that for the past 4 days I can barely walk.  Then I get upset with myself for being so selfish when the best thing for my child right now is to continue growing in my belly.  Last night was a good night because I got two 2 hour stretches of sleep (minus my hourly bathroom breaks) but the night before I only got 1 hour of sleep the entire night before being woken up by a fire alarm.  I try to take naps but they usually don’t work out…I think at this point I am too tired to sleep.  All weekend I have had anxiety about going to the doctor, if he says still not ready…will I have a total breakdown in the office?  Do women do that or will I be the first?  Before Adam left this morning he knew I was upset and that I was going to have a rough day waiting for my 3:00 appointment.  He offered to stay and go to the doctor with me but I knew that would make me more anxious not to mention add to the guilt.  Adam asked if I thought I would be a candidate for PPD because of how I am feeling now, but honestly if anything I may be a candidate of pregnancy depression (if it exists).

When the doctor walked in the first thing he said was “so you haven’t been sleeping…”.  The past 2 appointments I almost fell asleep in the office and I knew this time I looked bad because my mom was ready to change her ticket and get on a plane ASAP.  Then when he felt my belly he said “well it looks like he wants to stay in there forever” (in a joking way…which is good because it relaxes me a lot).  I wasn’t dilated at all and the baby’s head isn’t engaged, he drops each day as I walk but as soon as I lay down for bed the baby comes right back up to my ribs.  So basically between Zachary and I this birth was never going to happen.

I love that I get an ultrasound/sonogram each appointment however the past few because the baby is lower and bigger there isn’t much to see (at least for me…no more cute pictures of the face).  It turns out that not only is it great for me but the information is actually useful (go figure).  Each week everything was measured and put on a graph using technology.  The graph shows the middle of average and the range in each direction and plots the baby’s growth each appointment.  Well Zachary has been leveling off and since my last appointment has only gained a couple ounces.  I don’t remember exactly, I was kind of focused on the fact that he wasn’t growing and the fact that the doctor took 3 times the time he usually takes triple checking each measurement from different angles.  There are a few reasons that this could happen, but my boy has a strong heartbeat and has been moving (trust me…this is part of the reason I don’t sleep).  So I need to get a fetal non-stress test on Wednesday which will tell us what’s up.  He also suggested that we induce on Saturday.  He said if the baby isn’t growing there is no reason to keep him in there.  We totally agree with that decision and I felt a total sense of relief when I was given an end date.  I didn’t realize how anxious I was until I basically floated home from the appointment and slept 4 hours for the second night in a row.  I figured if the doctor was really concerned I would be at the hospital right now and since I haven’t felt anything out of the ordinary and since I don’t have any bad feelings I decided not to be concerned either.  I will give an update after the test on Wednesday but until then I am going to enjoy my extra lightness and the energy that sleep gives you!