My 1 Year Anniversary

Today it has been one year since I retired from my position as a kindergarten teacher.  I think back to that day and it was one of the saddest scariest days of my life.  I really don’t like to think of things as sad…there is always something around the corner and even in the darkest situation I truly believe something good can come out of it.  You don’t always see it at the time and even if you know something amazing is coming up it’s hard to look past the sad moment.

I wasn’t sad to leave my family, my friends, my job, the life I knew.  I was sad that I knew my little 5 year old friends didn’t truly understand that I was leaving for good.  I was sad that I wouldn’t be there to give them a hug when they realized that.  I thankfully had the opportunity to sit in on countless interviews, and thanks to the bad economy we got to pick from some amazing choices.  I knew I left my kids in good hands, but (and I know I wasn’t their parent) is anyone truly good enough for your kids? 

I wasn’t scared to move to China where I didn’t know anyone or what to prepare myself for.  I was scared that I was losing myself.  Who was I?  If someone asked me to describe myself I would proudly say I am a teacher.  I would happily tell them about the things we did in my class.  I would continue telling cute stories past the point where people would listen.  Beyond that I was proud of the life I had built for myself.  I was proud of the fact that I was able to buy a house on my own (thanks to the banks giving loans to people that shouldn’t get them).  I loved the house I had carefully painted and decorated. 

The first few weeks before I “retired” and the few weeks after, I think I truly went through a depression.  As an independent woman I would now have to build my identity around my husband.  What would I tell me when they asked who I was?  I loved my husband and I was proud and excited to go on this adventure with him, but I really think this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  You may think I am crazy that it wasn’t hard for me to leave family, friends or the life I knew.  All those things are still there are will be there when we get back with open arms.  However the Lindsay I was before is gone…not in a bad way, in a I have all these new experiences way, in a I have learned so much about myself way, in a I now know uprooting my life to be a housewife isn’t losing my independence way, and in a I can’t imagine doing anything differently way.  However I do still tell long unsolicited stories of school and I know I will always be a teacher even though I am not technically employed, it’s not what I did it’s who I am.