Great Mothers and Fathers

Lately I have really been open in this blog and I don’t know if my hormones are making me more passionate or what but here we go with another one!

I am a teacher, I know it’s different then being a mother but I had the opportunity to be on the outside looking in to families of all shapes and sizes.  I was able to see what parents did and how their children reacted both in their presence and when their parent wasn’t around.  Granted I didn’t have them 24/7 but I still think my career choice gave me an opportunity to steal great ideas and keep bad ideas in mind (we teachers like to steal the great ideas). 

Something I learned about great parents is they can surprise you.  I had a great mother who was 16 when her daughter was born.  She called me at least 3 times a week to see how her little girl was doing in my class.  She would randomly stop by school to meet with me.  A lot of times the secretary would call down to my room to warn me, and a couple times they made me come to the office to talk to her because she was kind of a scary looking lady and they didn’t want to put me in a bad situation.  She had another baby with a different father, neither of the fathers were in the picture.  She chose to work the night shift at Wal-mart so she could be there during the day for the baby and meet her 1^st grader when she got home from school.  Her mother kept the kids overnight.  Even though the little girl was a trouble maker, I knew this mother was doing the best she could with what she had.  She would start every conversation with me saying that she trusted me and she knew that her and I were on the same team.  She knew that we both had the same goal…to do what was best for her daughter.  Her little girl came to school clean, fed, happy and on time.  I don’t know much about this family but I do know that this was a great mother.

Something teaching has taught me is how rare it is to find an involved father.  Some fathers would show up at conferences but they rarely said much or would be offended if their child was struggling with anything.  I have seen some really great fathers, but one that I will always remember is a father who was divorced from the little boys mother.  I credit both parents in keeping up communication with each other when it came to their children.  I consider this a great father because he showed up.  He came to lunch almost once a week…and although I dreaded those days because his already overly excited child would go totally crazy after he left (I mean what 5 year old wouldn’t be excited to see their father) I knew how important it was for both of them to have these lunches.  Dad wasn’t the best disciplinarian but he was there…being present is easy, and anyone can find time.  My favorite quite from Modern Family was when Jay said “98% of being a dad is just showing up”.  Now I am not saying that’s all that is required of fathers but it sure does help.

I tried to make it a point to credit the parents when I had conferences with them.  I had a few mothers in tears when I would tell them thank you for raising such a polite child, or when I talk about how I appreciate the personality they have nurtured in their child.  I have met some really crappy parents, I even considered kidnapping…honestly some of the parents would have cared, but I have met some really great parents and the one thing they have in common is they keep the best interest of their family in decisions they make and they enjoy their children (enjoying is not the same as love). 

My goal as a parent is to always make decisions based on what is best for Adam and I and our children. My goal is to work as a team with Adam and for that matter the children.  My goal is to teach them to be responsible, to be confident in themselves, and to know that Adam and I will always be there for them.  My goal is to raise my little boy to become a great man.  My mother always says parenting is one of the only jobs where if you do it right you make yourself obsolete.  Well sorry to say mom and dad I still want and need you in my life, but thank you for raising me to not totally depend on you.

Something lately that has been upsetting for me is people asking me about my plans.  Do I plan on getting an epidural or having the baby naturally?  Do I plan on breast feeding or using formula?  Do I plan on using cloth or disposable diapers? Not that I don’t want to answer but I am afraid to say the wrong thing to someone who is passionate about the other choice.

Well first of all giving birth is a natural thing no matter what form of pain relief you have, second of all I have done research on everything and there are articles and statistics that go any number of different ways.  There are arguments for or against EVERYTHING having to do with raising children.  Again it’s probably the hormones or the fact that I will soon be responsible for another life but I am truly afraid of answering questions because I don’t want to be judged based on decisions I make.  Honestly I have never been a parent before but I do know that different things work or don’t work with different people.  I am not ruling out an epidural, after reading up I may do it for Adam’s sake more than for my own.  They say (I don’t know who exactly…but it makes sense) that women forget the pain of childbirth but men never forget the screams coming out of their wives or the knowledge that they can’t do anything to stop the pain.  I plan on breast feeding, I would plan on it no matter where I live but I don’t want to use formula from China (I can’t read the ingredients).  What if for some reason my milk doesn’t come in?  I am not going to let my baby starve because I am too proud to use formula (I have people bringing some American stuff just in case).  I may even supplement with formula after a month.  Adam has also expressed interest in helping to feed the baby so I am happy to pump and let him have the bonding experience.  Poor guy missed out on bonding with our boy for these months before he is born the way I did...I would hate to take feeding as well.  I could probably technically use cloth diapers but it takes forever for things to dry (even with the dryer) and I would rather hang with my boys then do laundry all day long.  I respect any decision a mother and or a father makes for their family as long as it is in the best interest of the child and of their marriage/relationship. I know no one else would ridicule me for using disposable diapers or getting the epidural or allowing my baby to be bottle fed (even just once a day), but people are so passionate one way or another that the people pleaser in me is really scared to discuss our decisions.  In the end none of these things really matter, there are plenty of women who give birth using or not using pain relief that have happy healthy babies.  There are millions of children who are healthy weather their mother chose to breast feed or formula feed.  There are many reasons for and against using cloth or a disposable diaper…neither one is wrong. 

China vs. USA…which is a better place to give birth?

It is after midnight right now and I am up because I have baby on the brain.  Adam and I went to Ikea yesterday to pick up a few baby things and as long as we were in Shenzhen we decided to go out of our way by about 30 min just for some Mexican food and Duncan Donuts.  At the Mexican restaurant there were 2 couples with babies having dinner. Since we had been working on our emergency plan (more on that later) I decided to rudely interrupt their dinner and ask them where they delivered (I know…not the best dinner conversation).  One of the ladies delivered in Hong Kong in the same hospital I plan on delivering and the other lady delivered in Shenzhen in a Chinese hospital (SCORE!!!).  Within 30 seconds I had their contact information and they had mine.  I was offered a place to stay if I needed it and they both offered to come see me in the hospital and bring me food or whatever I may need.  I know that any of my friends back in the US would do the same for me but how many people would offer a complete stranger a room in their house?  This is my absolute favorite thing about living overseas, especially in a place like China.  When you see another foreigner you know what it is like to go from a cushy life in the States to living in a place where the majority of people can’t speak to you and stare at you as if you were an alien, a place where you can’t find things that are familiar to you, and a place that is far from your family and close friends.  Strangers become your family instantly.  Even though my emergency plan is a little (ok a LOT) more complex then say if I lived a mile from the hospital and had neighbors I could call to help me get to the hospital, I have a support system made up of people from all over the world who are willing and ready to do whatever they can to be there for me…not just help but really be there.  In fact not only do I have some “stranger friends, who are like family” in Shenzhen but I have a support team in Hong Kong ready to meet me at the hospital if Adam is in Huizhou.  How many people do you know that have met you once or twice are willing to travel an hour to be your birthing coach?  I also know that if I happen to be in labor at the same time my mom’s plane lands (by the way she is coming in the beginning of April) I know I can ask my Hong Kong ladies to meet her at the airport and take her to the hospital.  I know that my trip won’t be the easiest especially if Zachary decides to come before I move to Hong Kong (but he and I have discussed this in great detail and he won’t dare come before my 36^th week). 

I have written in great detail how wonderful it is that I am pregnant and not working.  I so would have been fired with good reason for my inability to do my job.  God knew what he was doing when he allowed me to become pregnant while we were here.  I am so blessed that I was unable to find a job and even more blessed that because of the benefits we have from Adam’s company I don’t need to bring home any money.  Not only that but I am able to afford to have someone come and help with the chores a couple days a week…and to overpay her, because honestly she has been a lifesaver during pregnancy and before I became pregnant she helped scrub the black off my floor and the oil off everything in my kitchen (the old apartment).  I can also afford (which I haven’t decided yet) to have more help around the house after the baby is born.  My freezer can’t fit pre-made meals; our grocery store doesn’t stock anything that makes it easy to cook a decent meal (no frozen lasagna, no hamburger helper…not even boneless chicken breast or any decent form of beef).  My friends don’t have ovens where they can cook a meal and bring it to us.  So I may have someone come and help with laundry and cooking after the baby comes.  I would much rather have quality time with my little boy then put him in the bouncy seat while I try to make a decent meal (which will be necessary due to breast feeding). 

So back to comparing this experience to the experience I would have in the states…incomparable.  Not easier, not more difficult…just different.

“It”s China”

Basically lots of things happen here that seem crazy to foreigners like ourselves…our response is always “well it’s China”.  The repairman came to fix our water pipe with only a hammer in a grocery bag…it’s China.  They serve fajitas at the German restaurant...well it’s china (see not all crazy things are bad).  A person can get frustrated very easily if they let the little things bother them (I know this is true no matter where you live but more so in my country).  I choose to turn it into a funny story…I have to admit sometimes I start out frustrated, but after we laugh…sometimes at how frustrated we were!

Today I had an “it’s China” day even though I basically spent all day in the apartment.  My plan was to start on washing all things baby, I needed to run to the ATM and exchange security cards to get into our apartment building.  My cleaner was coming so I like to be out of the house when she comes, so I figured I would treat myself to a lunch or snack out (depending on when she came) and run my errands there.  After work Adam and I were going to meet some friends at the Starbucks that was opening that day…the very first Starbucks in Huizhou!

I woke up and for the second day in a row our internet wasn’t working…yes I said second day.  I didn’t think of it the first day because that happens…we randomly lose internet…hey it’s China.  However this is the first time we have lost it for a full day and it was still not working the next day.  Two thoughts came to mind…first thought: Maybe the internet shuts down for Chinese New Year; second thought: maybe we signed up for a limited plan that only works on certain days.  Odd thoughts but possible in China.  I called Adam to see if he could have his co-worker call the company to see what the problem is.  He called me back to say that there would be a worker coming at noon to see if it is a problem with our router, or their network.  I don’t know much about how the internet works but I feel like if it was a network problem that lasted over 24 hours they would know about it.  The internet guy didn’t come until 3:30 and I had the secretary at Adam’s office on the phone to help with translations.  She said there was a problem with the money and he would maybe send someone later to look at the internet.  I called Adam back before I let the internet guy leave (it’s amazing how scared workers are of a foreign lady) he had his coworker call the company again and check what the issue was with the 1 year subscription we paid in cash and have a receipt for was.  The problem was they hadn’t imputed that we had paid into our account information so they shut off the service because we didn’t pay.  So why couldn’t they look up our information when we called in the first place?  Why did I have to wait in the apartment all day for their company “engineer” to come, try to fix and call the company only to find out the issue?  Why when I showed him the receipt could they not automatically fix the problem?  Why did Adam’s co-worker have to call and yell at someone in order for the service to be turned back on?

MEANWHILE, the cleaner was there trying to do her job, I told her using my acting skills not to bother with the living room since I was drying baby clothes on every piece of furniture and the internet guy was hanging out waiting for instructions.  Once the internet guy left I ran out for about 20 min. to go to the ATM and exchange the cards (they have a new security system).  The cards wouldn’t be ready until the next day which isn’t a problem for Adam and I because we are foreigners and they let us in anywhere no matter what.  When I came back to the apartment the cleaner was locked out on the balcony.  We realized the day we moved in when the movers were locked out there that there was no way to get back in if you accidently close the doors.  Why isn’t there some handle on the outside so you can get back in?  What is going to happen when I do a load of laundry and close the door to keep the heat/ac on and I lock myself outside with the baby inside?

LATER, we went to dinner and Starbucks with our friends only the Starbucks hadn’t actually opened yet.  We weren’t actually surprised, in fact I am still not quite confident it will ever open up even though the sign is up the cups are set up and the furniture is laid out.  Why is it that our Chinese friend who organized this gathering didn’t know that it hadn’t opened?  Why doesn’t anyone know when it will open (I heard 2 weeks or April)?  Why doesn’t anyone know why it isn’t open (I heard it was a licensing issue, or lack of approval from the fire department)?

31 Weeks

It’s appropriate that I am up before sunrise right now writing this because it seems to be my new ruitine.  I wake up around 4:00 am for my first breakfast.  I have tried sleeping through it but that just makes everything worse.  I get up eat something, check facebook (it’s 3 in the afternoon back in NC) and watch an episode or two from our alarmingly huge collection of tv shows.  I go back to bed and “nap” (is it called a nap if it’s 6:00 am?) for a few more hours.  I have been so tired lately that when I wake up for good I have to lay in bed for a while (again…it’s great to have such a huge tv show collection) before eating breakfast and moving my groggy self to the sofa for the remainder of my “wake up” time.  I usually feel awake just in time for lunch.  The good news is I can usually go go go for the rest of the day…well at least until 8:00 pm.  Zachary wakes up around 11 for kickboxing so I try to fall asleep before then.

The words of the week are swollen and sore.  Everything is either swollen, sore or both.  I am really looking pregnant all over…I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am usually like “oh wow…I am really pregnant” followed by panic then checking my list to be sure I really do have time to get things done before moving to HK.  My toes look like mini hotdogs, my ankles hate socks (which are necessary with ceramic flooring in the winter), I am getting a double chin and chipmunk cheeks, my maternity panel on my pants (which when I started wearing them rolled down from right under my bra) roll down from just around my belly button.  My back hurts all the time (I am carrying very low and way out front), and it takes me twice as long to get anywhere.  I do love that I don’t have to point to my belly for people to know that I need a seat on the train…and it is hilarious catching people stare at me.  I usually get the “OMG it’s a foreigner” look now I get that look combined with the once over, double check then a stop in their tracks turn around.  I think I confuse the ladies here by wearing maternity jeans; at this point Chinese pregnant women wear smocks and leggings (circa 1950) and are amazed when I show them my stretchy panel…and yeah I show them!

My favorite part of the week has been sorting through the baby things which can now be laid out in his room.  I washed (and dried in my new dryer) all the baby clothes.  I have to say I love that baby clothing companies make an effort to make the already cute baby clothes/socks/hats etc, look even cuter on the rack using double stick tape and an unreal amount of plastic tag holders, but it took over an hour to cut through everything.  Since I can only dry a few things at a time and it takes a couple hours I restlessly sat by the balcony waiting for the moment when I could make a switch from hanging on the rack or laying across a sofa or table or one of the many coat racks in our place to the dryer for the final fluff and dry.  Adam came home to baby clothes all over the living room and said “I didn’t know we were having 8 babies”…meanwhile I know that I am way under what most people have, we only have things from 0 – 9 months and it’s actually just under the recommended amount I have found on most websites.  I just google “What does a baby REALLY need the first few months” and pretty much stick to the lists. 

*****Cool Week 31 Fact: The baby is apparently headed for a major growth spurt and should be keeping me up at night flipping and kicking.  Zachary however isn’t flipping so much anymore…actually I haven’t felt him flip for a few weeks now.  I guess that means he is running out of room because he for sure kicks and tries to flip (now that totally knocks the wind out of me).  I had my growth spurt over the last couple weeks so I guess now it’s Zachary’s turn!

I am officially the WORST pregnant Chinese lady EVER!!!!

China is a country with a very rich history and the people here take a lot of stock in tradition.  There are a ton of rules you have to follow as a pregnant lady.  I think I have broken most of them, and plan on breaking the others over the next few months. 

They have some old wives tales that I don’t think are followed as strictly but I thought they were worth mentioning. 

1)     If you eat watermelon then your baby will have a big head.

2)     If you eat bananas the baby will slip right out of you.

3)     If you rub your belly then you are spoiling the baby.

4)     Don’t use sharp products (scissors/knives) or your baby will have a cleft lip.

Bananas and watermelon were among the few things I was able to eat in the beginning of pregnancy, and I am a total belly rubber, and don’t take away my scissors…plus how am I supposed to cut my watermelon if I can’t use a knife.
Here are some of the other “rules” that are taken more seriously:

1)     Pregnancy is considered a “hot” condition so only cold foods should be consumed…not cold in temperature but foods considered to be “cold”.  Fried foods are considered “hot” or “heatie” and so are some fruits.  You can’t eat anything spicy or “heatie”.  Honestly I still don’t understand what is considered “heatie”.

2)     Spouse is not present during delivery, it isn’t his job…Adam will so be there at my beck and call!

3)     The placenta is buried somewhere of significance and can be used to create medicines throughout your child’s life…not happening with me.

4)     A necklace is put around the baby’s neck before the cord is cut to bring life to the necklace and away from the cord…I don’t think putting something around a neck of an infant is a great idea.

5)     Before giving birth the mother doesn’t go out for the last 2 months of pregnancy…first of all it sounds like torture, second of all I am moving to HK.

6)     Don’t change beds while pregnant or you will upset the baby…well we moved and so far so good, never mind the hotel beds we have stayed in.

7)     After baby is born you can’t leave your house, wash your hair and you must stick to a special diet for 30 days…talk about going crazy…besides we will be moving back across the border during that month.

8)     Babies are left on their back most of the time to create a flat head which is considered beautiful…I don’t think I want my baby to have a flat head.

Here are a couple things that I have noticed from my year in China:

1)     The pregnant women here don’t wear pants; they sometimes wear leggings but usually a mumu style dress.  I have gotten a lot of second looks wearing jeans…is that girl just fat?  They are amazed at the stretchy panel.

2)     They sell girdles in the baby supply areas…you must wear this to get your stomach back to normal for your husband.

3)     People don’t touch you when you are pregnant, no one touches your belly, no one will wash your hair, and they won’t polish your fingernails, no massages etc…

29 Weeks

This week the goal was to eat a ton and gain weight…instead I came down with a horrible cold and over the weekend developed a fever, meaning I spent most of the time sleeping and not eating.  However I have decided (for the second time this pregnancy) not to stress about weight gain.  The day after my appointment I went to visit my friends who live in the next city over.  They had some baby things they were getting rid of and we wanted to catch up over lunch.  They made me feel so much better about my lack of weight gain, they convinced me of what I already thought…it won’t do the baby or myself any good to spend my time being a couch potato and eating junk food.  I am not going to worry about anything except eating well and eating until I am full.  I left that day feeling so much better than I did after leaving my doctor’s appointment.  Friday I spent the entire day in bed sleeping and watching movies (actually the same movie repeated 3 times since I kept sleeping through it).  Saturday I took my temperature and I had a slight fever, the doctor recommended just drinking lots of water and taking a Tylenol.  My wonderful husband took care of me all day!  I woke up a lot over the night to empty my nose and to chug water.  Today I spent most of the morning and afternoon sleeping; giving Adam the opportunity to watch all the movies I really don’t want to see.  Unfortunately didn’t eat much at all the past few days which is going to look bad the next time I step on the scale…but like I said I am not going to stress over it.

Saturday I was supposed to go back to HK for my RH- shot, they didn’t want to give it to me on Tuesday without first checking my blood to make sure that my body wasn’t already creating the antibodies I need.  Adam and I were going to make a day out of it, have a nice lunch in HK and head to IKEA to pick out some more things for baby.  Sunday the plan was to begin making piles and organizing for the movers.  Nothing got done this weekend which means this illness needs to disappear overnight so I can run to the Doctor on Monday or Tuesday and be at the lease signing on Wednesday and be ready for the movers by Friday. 

Bath Fail

Well after my trip to Hong Kong, I planned on taking a bath for the first time in our new apartment…hot water here I come!!!!!  I had been looking forward to this ever since we picked our apartment and I saw that it had both a shower and a tub.  I had been dreaming of that weightless feeling I had at the pool and in the ocean in Bali (it was too cold in Australia).  I was excited for the bit of pampering you get from soaking in a tub since I can no longer get massages, hair washes, mani’s, pedi’s because the Chinese people won’t touch you when you are pregnant, and the belly is too big to hide.  I was imagining listening to my music while soaking my swollen feet and aching back.

When I got home I started filling the tub and my wonderful husband put one of the space heaters in the bathroom (which is usually miserable because it gets super cold).  The water pressure was very low because well, we live in China and you can have hot water and great water pressure at the same time.  Since it is a tub I like to use sweltering water and cool it off as needed.  It took an hour to fill the tub half way but I figured I would soak while waiting for the tub to fill, never mind the fact that I am now the size of a whale and would probably raise the water level enough just by getting in. 

I took off my clothes and dipped my toes in…freezing water.  There isn’t enough hot water to fill the tub and since it took so long the hot water that was in the tub had cooled off.  Oh well, at least my shower is hot!