This is where I get totally real (not that I am not usually real...but when it comes to negative feelings I try to put on a happy face...more for myself than for anyone else). I am 4 months into pumping and bottle feeding, 2 months in without trying to nurse anymore. My first short term goal was 3 months...knowing that I wouldn't switch to formula until we returned to the states...so this was a more "I need some sort of light at the end of the tunnel" goal. My second goal is to make it to 6 months...and my dream goal is to make it to 1 year.
From the outside looking in it may not seem like a big deal to pump exclusively...lots of women pump when they go back to work. The difference is they nurse when they can. The biggest challenge for an eper is milk supply...where you have an emotional stimulation when your baby nurses...you don't have quite the same attachment to your pump. I do have to say my pumps are a very important part of my life...I bring either the electric or manual one with me wherever I go.
Before I gave up on nursing I did everything I could to make Zachary want to nurse...and any parent knows it's not easy to "make" your child do something that terrifies them. Don't ask me why he refuses and screams at the idea of nursing...I don't ask anymore...it's not healthy to dwell on something that can't be changed.
Now that I have come to grips with my reality I am happy to do anything to increase my milk supply. I drank mothers milk tea (the worst tasting tea EVER), I took Fenugreek, I drank...well tried to drink Guiness beer, I drink my weight in water everyday, and I pump every chance I get (every 2 hours on a regular day...every hour when I need to increase the supply). The only thing that really makes a difference is a medication I got from my doctor. It is a miracle drug...and it gave me piece of mind in the form of 3 extra ounces of milk in my refrigerator for an emergency. I took these pills (2 pills 3 times a day) for 6 weeks. After Zachary got his cold he gave it to me. The small cold that usually doesn't alter my life at all dried me up again. I went from 3 extra ounces a day to needing to use 6 ounces of formula a day. It seems like any normal life event dries up my milk (a cold, a day trip, exercising, sleeping through the night, stress etc...).
I have nothing against formula...if that is the decision that is right for you and your baby...great. My problem is that I have decided I want to give my baby my milk. When I was pumping extra I had no problem giving a couple ounces of formula if Zachary needed milk and I didn't want to make him wait for me to heat up my emergency supply. I know it sounds crazy but it's my right as a new mother to be a little crazy.
I spend a lot of time researching how to increase my supply without taking a day trip to HK to pick up more medication. It hits me hard when I read about women who go back to work and pump and say they have never given their child formula...when I, who haven't spent more than 2 hours away from my baby can't provide enough milk. Again it doesn't bother me to give him some formula, but it bothers me that I HAVE to.
My reality now is thinking twice before I spend the day out, spending two days power pumping before any event which will take me out of the house for more than 4 hours, instead of thinking of how wonderful it will be to go back home...wondering how I am going to pump on an airplane or how much milk the airport security will let me bring. Although it isn't what I expected I love that I live in a time where I have the technology to pump and give my child the best. It's kind of fitting that I had every medical intervention necessary to have a "natural childbirth" and now I use every tool/medication necessary to give my baby mothers milk.
No matter the heartache...it's all worth it...and it works because my baby who was born at under 6 lb's at full term in now in the 50th percentile for his weight.
