Goodbye Old Friend

I have mixed feelings about saying goodbye to my trusty pump.

There have been a lot of up’s and downs (mostly with my milk levels).  My mom thought the double electric pump wouldn’t be necessary since I was staying home with Zachary and he would nurse, but I knew if I was stuck in China and I had any problems with
nursing that my only other option would be Chinese formula…which wouldn’t kill
Zack but the quality isn’t near what it is in the states and nothing compared to breast milk.  In the hospital Zack refused nursing (no matter how much the midwives, nurses, doctors and lactation consultants tried to help).  When I say refused I mean screamed bloody murder at any attempt.  We tried every nursing position, we tried nipple shields, nipple extractors, syringe feeding, tube feeding and finally (two weeks later) went to the pump and bottle feeding.  I tried for two full months to get Zack to nurse (everyone said he would eventually)…after 2 months I gave up trying because I couldn’t take making my baby so upset, giving up was a huge burdon lifted off my sholders.  I came to gripswith my reality and embrased my pump.  It sure isn’t easy to have your baby crying because he wants to be held or played with or fed while you are pumping, but it is much easier than making him scream while doing something that is supposed to be a bonding experience.
Moving really took a toll on my milk supply.  First leaving China, then the plane ride,
then the craziness of car shopping and apartment hunting, then the hanging out
with friends and family (I hated to leave to pump!), then just being in a hotel and lastly moving in.  I have had several dips in milk levels before and it requires a week of power pumping (pumping every hour for 5 min.)…it usually worked when I went from pumping 25-30 ounces a day to pumping 20 ounces a day but this past week I was lucky to pump 15 ounces a day.  I know I physically have it in me to power pump again but emotionally I know I wouldn’t be able to take it if my supply didn’t come back.  Plus I knew I would need to go back to being super disciplined about pumping every 2 to 3 hours and we have 2 fun family events over the next two weekends that I hate to interrupt with my pump.

I feel really bad about giving up and I wonder if it’s the best thing for my baby and I know that there is really no turning back.  Then I think about it and I am relieved that
I don’t have to consider how I will pump with my cousins wedding or store my pump parts in the refrigerator at the mountains.  I am relieved that I don’t have to give
myself 15 extra min to get ready for something because I have to pump last minute
or 30 extra min before going away because I have to pump, clean the pump parts
and pack the pump before going on vacation.  Meanwhile as I write this I second guess my decision.
I used my manual pump Sunday morning (after 48 hours of not pumping) because…well any breast feeding mom knows…I REALLY needed too.  I was able to pump 5 ounces (I used to pump 3 ounces every 2 hours).

I plan on using my experience to support other mothers with feeding issues…in the long run what’s best for your baby is a mommy who is happy in her situation and who loves, laughs and nurtures him. 
My short term goal was 6 months and my long term goal was a year…I made it 5 months and 2 weeks…I think sometimes; it’s OK not to meet your goal.