I feel like I need to share this...mainly because I need to know I'm not the only mommy that has had a bad experience. I have been and feel like I need to be there to say "it's ok"...it's ok to give your baby formula...it's ok to not enjoy nursing...it's ok to make a decision that others may not agree with.
Zack refused to nurse since the second he was born. The nurses didn't worry too much since it was a pretty traumatic birth, but they wanted my "starving in the womb" baby to eat (the poor kid hadn't gained weight in 2 weeks due to my "rotten" placenta). They hand expressed (aka...milked me like a cow) and fed my son with a syringe every 2 hours, when that wasn't enough we had to give my baby formula My wanna be nursing momma's heart broke in a million pieces. We met with a lactation consultant twice in the hospital and 3 times after returning home. We tried tube feeding (not SES but propping him on our legs as we let him suck on our pinky and sticking a tube in his mouth that led to a cup of my expressed milk (or formula). Several ounces of spilled milk (whoever said don't cry over spilled milk obviously never hand expressed and listened to their infant scream while they mixed formula to replace the liquid gold) and 3 weeks of trying to nurse I decided to introduce the bottle...best decision ever. We met with a different lactation consultant, our pediatrician and we had several conferences with God. What baby hates to eat...well not mine but he didn't want to eat the "natural" way. Zack thankfully gained weight quickly (doubled birth weight in 2 months and ate 34 oz a day). At his 2 month check up I told Dr. Chan that I have decided to give up torturing my child...I felt that I have been super calm and was about to reach a breaking point. My baby didn't need a mother who lost her sanity over something that she could change. I decided to full time pump. My goal was a year, I made it 5 months before we moved and the traveling, business etc...made my milk deplete my half. One day we visited a family members church and the nursery workers accidentally gave my milk to another baby. The other mother wasn't angry, the nursery worker wasn't apologetic and I was heartbroken...I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted someone else to be as angry/upset as I was. That day I decided my focus needed to be on my baby, I needed to do what was best for my family, I needed to be the best wife/mother that I could be...and that wouldn't happen if I spent so much energy worrying about my milk. When I gave up the pump I felt like I lost a piece of myself, but it didn't take long for me to love the freedom.
What were the chances that 2 of my children would have such difficulty nursing? Well apparently pretty good (in the words of the first of two lactation consultants we have seen with Hunter). Hunter wanted so badly to nurse (YAY!) but wasn't able to latch properly. I'm not kidding when I say half of what he gets ends up on him and I. We soak a blanket each feeding. In the beginning people would say "well he's young, he'll get it". I don't want him to GET it I want him to HAVE it! This is crazy, what is wrong with me that I can't properly feed my babies? Thanks to the iPhone I spent many late night feedings searching for answers. When he was about 8 weeks old I found my (maybe) answer. Tongue tie...Hunter had every symptom. And guess what...they usually don't catch it in bottle fed babies until they are 2 and not talking well...plus it's hereditary. Could this be my answer...seriously I felt I had solved all our problems. At Hunters two month I had the LC check both the boys and they both are tied. Plus Hunter has a wave motion in his tongue (probably because of the tie) which pushes the milk out and all of these issues caused him to have reflux Poor baby...no wonder he was never happy...he was always hungry and always uncomfortable. We went to a dyspepsia clinic (more on that later) and went to an ENT to get his tongue clipped...the most traumatic experience of my life! We have to continue seeing his feeding therapist to reteach him to use his tongue.
All through out my experience EVERYONE told me "oh it will happen...just keep at it". Well I am an extremely persistent person, but keeping at it with Zack wasn't the best option and I'm still working on it with Hunter but I still pump and use formula when necessary.
It's upsetting when people post articles about how nursing is the only option for moms who want the best for their kids, we all know breast milk is healthier than formula and cheaper, and more convenient ..but that doesn't mean it's best for everyone. I feel like these experiences were meant to share...I want other mommies to know that nursing isn't this amazingly beautiful wonderful bonding experience for everyone. I know people who don't have extensive issues don't mean to make people like me feel bad about myself or guilty that I didn't do enough to make nursing happen, but that's how it feels...and I'm not the only one. There are so many resources for nursing moms, I want to be an advocate for moms that need someone who understands their problems and won't make them feel bad.
I still have high hopes for Hunter but I'll be ok if it doesn't work our...and I know he will be just fine. I say all the time how thankful I am that I live in an age where I have my double electric pump and healthy formula available to me...who knows what would have happened to either of my kids had we not had these options.
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