The End

I've struggled with nursing for 5 months...before that I struggled with Zack for 2 months then decided to pump full time before drying up at 5.5 months.  This time I had hope...for a long time...there was a light at the end of the tunnel...and about a month ago it was happening...sort of.  Hunter has been waking up several times a night to eat, not that I expect him to sleep completely through the night but he should be able to go more than 2 or 3 hours before eating at night and more than 1 or 2 hours before eating during the day.  I feed him a bottle of formula before bed and he can go 5-6 hours which seems more "normal" and way more manageable.  Every once and a while he will only wake up twice but it doesn't stick.  I basically feed him all day long and he isn't a newborn this shouldn't be the case.  Meanwhile all I hear from doctors, LC's, nurses etc...is that "sometimes 5 months old don't sleep though the night" or "he's probably going through a growth spurt" again I don't expect him to sleep all night (it would be nice but I'm happy to feed him when he needs it), I know he isn't just waking up out of habit because he eats, and if I let him cry he'll fall asleep and wake up 10 min later...and I'm certain growth spurts don't last 2+ months.  I could tell I wasn't able to provide what he needed.
Last night (or this morning) at 3 am while feeding him (for the 3rd time since putting him to bed) I did some research (what did struggling mommies do before smart phones???), basically I found nothing helpful but I did learn that my concerns had merit...which felt great...then it felt awful.  Why can't this nursing thing work out for me.  Isn't it supposed to be natural, the best, etc..etc...etc...?  I'm healthy, I don't work outside the home, I what to do what's best for my kids...why haven't I been able to nurse them?  Finally Hunter was getting there we weren't using the shield anymore, I still had to supplement but I figured once he was using me as more than just a pacifier my supply would go up.  I couldn't realistically try to nurse him more than I do, or pump in between...I need to sleep, I need to eat...I need to take care of my toddler and my infant...plus I would like to have some fun or do laundry or unpack boxes...
In the past several weeks I have noticed my milk supply getting less and less, and Hunter was nursing more and more.  I wasn't able to pump anything between feedings and only an ounce at the end of the day after feeding him formula.
At 3:00 am I made a decision.  I needed sleep, Adam needed sleep and poor Hunter needed a full belly.  So at 9:00 this morning I took the boys to Sams and bought 2 big containers of formula then I went to Wal-mart and bought 9 oz bottles and a Milky Way.  I cried in the parking lot and I broke down when we returned home.  The Milky Way helped.  Even though I know formula isn't poison, even though I know this decision is the best for my entire family...it was hard...I still want to know why me?  WHY?  I have spent a ridiculous amount of hours and money taking Hunter to therapy so that we could fix it...when things seem to be going well WHY did my milk disappear?  My mom came from Charlotte every week (sometimes twice) to take care of Zack while I took Hunter to his appointments so I could focus my full attention on this whole nursing thing...WHY did I even do it...was it a waste of time...and money?  WHY does it seem like everyone else has these amazing experiences nursing their child?
I feel defeated...I feel relieved...I feel disappointed...I feel proud...I feel annoyed...I feel...I don't know.
Today Hunter got 3 bottles of formula (starting at 5:30 am when he woke...yeah 5:30).  I nursed him once at 3 in the afternoon...exactly 12 hours from the previous time we nursed...because I just started to feel full.  He was the happiest I'd ever seen him...which is understandable considering he finally got a decent meal.
I write this for myself so in a couple months when I start to think...I maybe could have done it if I hadn't "given up"...I can see that no matter what could happen in the future.  This decision is the best for my family.  I would rather be a mom who played, laughed, explored, lived and a wife who wasn't a total zombie than a mom who gave her baby breast milk.  I am trying to stop thinking about why and start thinking I am sure glad Similac makes an alternative.  If they didn't neither of my boys would be here right now and I can't imagine that formula is worse than starving my children.
THE END